at work, one of my favorite residents, a tiny little 90 pound 77 y/o woman, had the following conversation:
Lady: To what do we owe the honor?
Resident: I had to get watched while I dressed this morning. (referring to OT session)
Lady: Did you enjoy getting dressed this morning?
Resident: Yes I did, I tickled myself.
incontinence of the face
had water dreams, one long one included visiting grandparents in their glass fronted apartment which was a converted office space. somehow they had a huge bathroom which extended into a labyrinth of bathtubs and hot-tubs including double-decker bathtubs. later, the building was filled with water, which was a normal thing in the dream, and people rode in the bathtubs or swam/walked through water and stairs underwater to some kind of gathering on the roof in which i did something slightly mortifying though i can’t remember what. there was a festival feeling and i told my mom that dad was allergic to alcohol, so he shouldn’t drink it and that was why he wasn’t enjoying the festival. i had a good time moving in the water and tried to do beyonce things with the stair railings, but if water represents emotion (generally negative) in real life then there was too much of it, and too much water, flooding, pulls things and people apart. there is water everywhere and i am often not in control of it in my day to day life, maybe for the majority of the days. but maybe in my dream, the fact that flooding was normal and festivities occurred in it meant that i can accept this as my life, and that it still is life worth celebrating. i am saying that right now even though it feels uncomfortable to say that because i am drowning.
yesterday, besides crying, i did normal things, considered quitting the writing job because i end up getting paid close to nothing considering the research i have to do to produce the pages numbers i get paid according to. i read a lot about black feminism, asexuality and womanism on gradientlair.com. really want to read these http://www.gradientlair.com/post/26864757127/bell-hooks-books-on-love
what i did today march 3rd
today I cried and did not go to the gym or the post office. I had lunch with my mother after groceries and she talked at me about her theories about why people turned to god, and we didn’t really have a conversation which is usually what happens. I love her but does this love feel so abstract because it seems like we don’t have a connection besides being around each other sometimes? then what is love other than obligation? in the afternoon i cried and made a social appointment even though I probably don’t really have time for it and I don’t even like to drink alcohol. A called me and I said I was sad because I was looking at my future publication which is being edited and it’s all really bad. I need someone to help me fix it but right now I am having a crisis in my relationship to poetry but there is no such thing as therapy for creative blocks and anyway it’s probably related to a larger sense of confusion. So A, who doesn’t really understand me but checks on me all the time said, “you don’t have to be sad about that because you can just go back and re-do it.” And then that was that and since he has no interest in what I do, we move on. Earlier in the day I wanted to tell him I loved him but it is the kind of love that is similar to my mom love because we can’t really talk to each other. Not in the way that I have been “educated” to talk like. But we are fond and caring of each other. There are so many different ways of relating to people that are easy to forget or to never experience because we tend to associate with people who are like us. It’s easier that way. I read tumblr and articles about racism. And then I cry because I don’t know what I’m doing with my first assignment at my new “job.” I talk to D and cry and put a pizza in the oven and now I’m going to see a friend whom I haven’t seen in a long time which is exciting. There. That was what I did today. I am a human being.
White History Month Giveaway!
To celebrate White History Month…a giveaway of some excellent white history-related books, a Kindle, and Amazon gift card.
- $75 Amazon gift card
- Amazon Kindle
- Redress for Historical Injustices in the United States
- Whitewashing Race: The Myth of a Color-Blind Society
You must be:
- 18+ and in the U.S. (trying to adhere to tumblr giveaway rules as much as possible)
- comfortable sharing your address
You can like the post for an extra entry, and winners will be picked using a random picker at the end of March.
Just a seal running into glass.
the meditative gender
I have not written about what I have been doing for a while because I am flakey and my life is boring. I rearranged my room this week and vacuumed the floor, which is a big deal for me. Big things are happening. Here are some things I WILL be doing. I promised someone I would go to the gym twice this week. I absolutely haaaave to get to the post office tomorrow to mail some copies of my mss to a press that wants to consider it I dont’ know why I am putting it off (oh wait, I do know, it’s cold as satan’s butt.) I have to see a doctor and maybe get surgery. I also told myself I would apply for some grants and buy some cookies. Have to write a masters level psych paper for Ultius, (what a job I’ve gotten myself into. i have no idea what i am doing…) But I might get broccoli because The Body Is a Temple. Just a few minutes ago, I was remembering the time when I felt like I understood how some religious people felt before the glory of god, though that was when I was chemically imbalanced and burnt out and delusionally in love with a person. Now I spend a lot of time commuting as a working drone and comprehending the cool and alien beauty of creation but without the high. I feel low and subdued. For some reason, we equate Highness with Goodness. Why is that? Lowness and horizontal-ness are my interests and I miss Lucas and our conversations about potatoes. I’d like to be called Your Lowness and take it as a compliment. I would be the Low Priestess of the tarot. Let’s not forget that poison can be medicine in the right doses. One of the wisest and bottomest dwelling witch told me that and I will never forget what she said to me, which was much richer than what I am transcribing here.
So many people worry about “not really living” or not living their lives to the “fullest” and because of Target and their inspirational quote canvases I had become suspicious of that whole outlook, but I have come to see it differently. It can be an act of generosity, to come really alive to the world, or even just to yourself. I feel that I’ve been a very selfish person for a long time. No one who is my friend would agree with me, but I believe this, because I have been a dead person. Good thing I have powers of regeneration, I am constantly dying but I can constantly regenerate. One of my pet dreams is to cultivate mushrooms someday.
Also I am listening to a gamelan set of songs called The Meditative Gender, and I now know what gender I am and want to be. I want to be the meditative gender.
A cartoon by Roz Chast. For more cartoons from this week’s issue: http://nyr.kr/1ejl8oa
I woke up at three and couldnt go back to sleep. Work today is inservice class and training on alzheimers and dementia pts. I just saw robert pinsky on a documentary talk about the self. You think you are human because of your past, he says, and your intellect. Well, you’re wrong.
Ok it wasnt in exactly those words. But i was glad to hear them. Nursing home training tapes always make me cry because they are so bare and full of vulnerability. My job also makes me cry because of sweetness. I am reminded that tich once told me that the greatest gift you can give someone is your presence. Suddenly i feel joy.
"Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors."
Andrew Boyd (via purplebuddhaproject)